McGarvey’s Words

The riddle is this: why do you feel booking a cruise has to be a riddle? I am Porthole Cruise Magazine’s “Ombudsman” and in that role I get lots of emails, usually from cruisers who have had a bad voyage – and rarely from prospective cruisers who want counsel on how to book the right cruise. You see the correlation. Folks who plunge into this blind find themselves in a world of misery, whilst those who ask savvy questions before booking often become converts to the cruising lifestyle.

As I write this, it is thick in the midst of a greater New York summer, with Republicans about to pour into the city, thicker than the mosquitoes in the humid, hot air, so forgive me – and I forgive you of course – because it suddenly is more difficult to focus on business and business travel. If travel is on our agenda, all of us seem to be thinking about getting out of Dodge, wherever our personal Dodge might be.

And, nearly always, my prime recommendation is this: take a cruise. That’s where many of you come back with puzzlement about how to book a cruise and this is somewhat understandable. We have been booking hotel rooms, rental cars, and flights since we were 20 or thereabouts. If a hotel is no good, we pack and move out (something I’ve only done a very few times in my travels, but I am comforted knowing it is an option). Cruises – probably because the price tag is so large – cause many to hesitate. “How do I know we’ll like this cruise? Can we get our money back if we don’t?”

Let me, in this summer special column, sort through a range of your cruising questions – and, for starters, can you get your money back? Don’t be ridiculous. I get many, many emails from unhappy cruisers and perhaps 1 in 100 manages to snag a full refund. Most must take a discount on a future cruise on the same line (and you might ask: who would go back for more of the same if the first voyage was bad?).

I’ll tell you, tho, I have been on many cruises – big ships, tiny ships, in Chile, on the Napa River, in Greece, all over – and I can only recall one cruise that I thought was just bad. That was a Royal Caribbean Alaska cruise a couple years ago where, I suppose, the planets had gotten into misalignment because everything that could go wrong, did. Port excursions were abruptly cancelled without warning (due to bad weather – and the winds and rains were pestilent on this voyage). On-board lines were Calcutta-like in their volume of people crammed into too small spaces (mainly because, without shore excursions, we all were trapped on this vessel). Crew did a wretched job of placating passengers forced to stand in those lines. Etc., etc.

But that was just one of many cruises I have taken and, truth to tell, I think it was aberrational for RCI (which also operates Celebrity Cruises). Would I take another RCI cruise? Sure – in fact as summer ratchets up its hold on Jersey City, where I live and work, I find my eye drifting a couple miles south to the Bayonne docks where RCI pulls into port once or twice a week and I sometimes wish I too were aboard.

But this column is not about me, it’s about you and your cruising questions. Here’s another reality: Don’t book online. Cruise lines vary enormously. Some are kid friendly (Disney, for instance), others aren’t. Some cater primarily to an elderly population, others draw cruisers from diverse age groups. Some operate nothing but sparkling, newer ships, others offer a sailing medley that contains floating antiques next to newer builds. I suppose all these insights could be dug up online – but it is simpler and faster to question a cruise-savvy travel agent. Note: smart travel agents love cruise lines. They still pay rich commissions, often 10%, and that means a modest cruise for two will generate $200 to $400 in commissions. A high-end cruise can generate $2000 and up in commissions. Many agents will claim to be cruise savvy; most aren’t. Always ask: how many cruises have you been on in the past three years? How many ships have you toured? True cruise specialists do a cruise or two a year and most also squeeze in tours of ships. You don’t know any such travel agents? Go to the American Society of Travel Agents website and search for “cruise specialists.” You’ll come up with 500+ and, of course, you can narrow the search by zip code.

Will you gain weight on board? That's a weighty issue on many minds and, frankly, I usually do -- gotta admit -- because it's difficult to resist the temptation of eating three meals a day with a snack and probably dessert. But weight gain isn't necessary and, in fact, a company called Carb Counter Cruises is working to get Atkins/South Beach-friendly cruises up and sailing. Even if it doesn't succeed, however, there's no real problem eating South Beach-style meals aboard most ships. Cruise ships offer so many choices, at every meal, that any diet truly can be accommodated.

You cannot afford to be out of touch so long? That's a constant concern but, wake up to the 21st century; cruise lines have. All big ships (and many small) offer email access, at affordable rates (perhaps $100 to $200 to cover all email during a cruise; a la carte pricing often is 40 cents/minute). And, often, cell phones work onboard (most ships stay quite close to shore). Better still, cell phone companies are scrambling to provide still better service to cruisers (probably at premium prices -- but if you've gotta be in touch you'll pay).

What so good about cruising? It's so 21st century. On a cruise you are always in motion. Today Athens, tomorrow Rhodes, the next day you are in Santorini. And shore excursions let you mix and match to suit your particular interests. I have drunk wine at wineries in Greece, kayaked in a bay in Alaska, ridden a skiff near a glacier in Chile, snorkeled in St. Maarten, drunk Goombay Smashes in the Bahamas, toured boutique wineries in Napa and Sonoma (on a small boat cruise), and visited holy sites in Turkey as well as the stunning ruins of Ephesus, all on cruises.

It took me 45 years to get on my first cruise -- but, these days, I see it as the best leisure travel bargain there is. So when are you going on a cruise to discover for yourself?

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About Robert McGarvey

Author of How to Dotcom (Entrepreneur Press), and a onetime columnist for BizTravel.com, Jersey City-based McGarvey is a frequent contributor to dozens of magazines, ranging from Selling Power to American Way, and Rutgers. He has also contributed to Harvard Business Review. For the past five years, he has served as "The Ombudsman" for PORTHOLE Cruise Magazine. Still curious about McGarvey? Read up on him here.

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